“Need Help NOT Troubleshooting Your Fuel System? A Guide to Guaranteed Failure”
“Tired of that pesky fuel system working properly? Frustrated with having a car that actually starts and runs? Well, fret no more! The team at Aftermarket Industries is here to help you achieve total fuel system failure!
We’ve compiled years of experience and expertise into this anti-troubleshooting guide, designed to ensure your fuel system goes kaput. Follow these simple steps, and you’ll be well on your way to maximum frustration and endless headaches!
Our ‘No-Check’ Checklist:
* Ignore those leaks: See a puddle of fuel under your car? AWESOME! Just pretend it’s not there. Bonus points if it’s near a hot exhaust manifold.
*Engineering? Pffft.. Forget everything you ever learned about engineering! Those “laws of physics” and “fluid dynamics” are for suckers! Who needs surge protection anyway? Surprise fuel outages are the best kind of surprise.
* Wires? Who needs ’em!: Cram those wires in any which way. The more twists, tangles, and exposed copper, the better! Don’t worry about those pesky wire gauge recommendations, and definitely don’t use anything as overkill as milspec wire. We’re trying to cause problems, not prevent them! Just grab the skinniest wire you can find.
* Vacuum lines? Nah, just plug ’em with chewing gum: Or better yet, just leave them dangling. Who needs proper vacuum pressure anyway?
* Fuel pump acting up? Give it a good whack!: A swift kick or left hook should do the trick. If that doesn’t work, try submerging it in water.
* Fuel filters? Those are for suckers, especially the flow rated ones with flow and pressure data!: Just let all that dirt and debris flow freely into your injectors. The more clogged they get, the closer you are to victory!
* Fuel pressure regulator? Just crank up that base fuel pressure as high as it can go!: More pressure is always better, right? Ignore those pesky pressure limits, lower fuel flow, higher current draw and let’s tests those fuel pump efficiency limits and see if we can make this thing explode!
*Injector dead time data? What’s that? Sounds like something made up by nerds! Just guesstimate those injector pulse widths – the more inaccurate, the better!
*Air-fuel ratios? Psh, just run it pig rich! Black smoke billowing out the exhaust? Now you’re talking! Who needs efficiency or catalytic converters anyway?
*Fuel temps? Ignore ’em! Who cares if that E85 is hotter than the surface of the sun? It’ll probably just evaporate before it gets to the engine anyway!
*Mechanical fuel pumps? In-tank pumps are for the weak! Mount that sucker right on the engine, next to the exhaust manifold! The hotter it gets, the better! We’re going for maximum vapor lock!
* Modified Fuel pump hanger? Hack that thing to pieces! Who needs that OEM functionality anyway? Just zip-tie the pump to whatever’s handy. Bonus points if it rattles around and eventually falls off!
*Voltage booster/BAP? Crank that sucker to the MAX! We’re not just talking 12 volts, we’re talking 18, 24, maybe even 48 volts! Let’s see if we can melt those wires and fry that pump and blame the manufacturer! 🔥
*Technical guides? Instructions? HAHAHAHAHA! Those are for people who want their fuel systems to actually work! Real G’s just wing it!
*Manufacturer support? Pshaw! Who needs those engineers with their fancy “data” and “testing”? Real tuners just go with their gut!
And remember, blindly follow the advice of that “guru”. They clearly know what they’re talking about, even if it contradicts all logic and reason. Who needs critical thinking when you have blind faith?
What to do next (or rather, NOT do next):
* Don’t bother contacting us: We’re far too busy helping people with functioning fuel systems. You’re on your own, buddy!
* Check out those online forums or resources or that friend who’s never dialed in more than 300 horsepower: Those are full of helpful advice.
* Just keep doing what you’re doing: You’re clearly a master of destruction, so keep up the ‘good’ work!
Remember, with our anti-troubleshooting guide, you’re just one step away from a completely useless fuel system!